Chrysalis

I think "chrysalis" is one of my favorite words. Such a beautiful sounding word, for such an amazing thing: the cocoon that hides a caterpillar while it becomes a butterfly. I'm not sure why "chrysalis" popped into my head the other day, but it did, so I've been meditating on it, almost, over the past few days.

I feel as though I'm in my own "chrysalis." Working through the after-effects of my divorce, learning to be a single mom, learning to be a co-parent, getting more deeply in touch with my faith, meeting new people, trying new things and generally becoming someone new. The old me is still here, but there's a lot more to me now than there used to be.

So much of the new me is beautiful: my newfound respect for my own strengths, the understanding of the courage I didn't know I had, the awareness of weaknesses I knew I had (as well as a few that I'm newly aware of!). And some of the old me is pretty ugly: my reactions that are based on past experiences, my fears over facing such a different future than I'd ever imagined for myself, my willingness to always see what has been instead of what could be.

I'm still in my chrysalis, still becoming what I hope to be. These things that I'm struggling through are part of that working loose, of shedding those behaviors, attitudes and fears that keep distracting me from the beauty of life where I am. The amazing thing about my chrysalis is that I will always be "becoming." I may be fragile, beautiful and flawed now. Tomorrow I will be stronger, more healed, but I will still be "becoming."